Matt Damon and the Top 10 Kavanaugh Memes and Tweets Helping Us Get Through

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All rights @ DonkeyHotey

A weary nation is grateful to Matt Damon.

After a spoiled scion of Ivy League American elitism showcased his even temperament, levelheaded bipartisanship and deep respect for the Supreme Court by throwing sneering tearful tantrums for the duration of the Senate Judiciary hearing, Matt Damon helped a gobsmacked country laugh at what we weren’t totally sure we had actually seen this past week. Sometimes SNL is the only antidote to American politics. But it’s only temporary.

Formidable legal minds have analyzed Kavanaugh’s indignant and antagonistic testimony but I’m treating myself to a few moments of humor and snark to escape the pain these hearings has triggered in me, my best friend, and the collective trauma American women are stomaching while watching the institution of privilege fight to save itself.

Please enjoy this carefully curated selection of my Top 10 Kavanaugh memes and tweets, ranked in highly subjective order based on their combined political import, hilarity and the swimsuit competition of internet memes — cleverness of any accompanying images.

10.) Nope. There is nothing humorous about this post. But for those as certain of the Clinton conspiracy as they are of the Dr. Blasey Ford fantasy fiction, I invite you to just consider the improbability that a woman would actually jeopardize her family’s safety even if she were ready to jettison her career and reputation and privacy to prevent a conservative Supreme Court majority for what she perceives as the greater good. That would be an oddity of a martyr I have literally only seen in crime dramas. And even then it is only to save their families not to endanger them and risk everything from their normalcy to their safety.

9.) Welp. Since you invoked the Clintons. I am choosing to appreciate the preposterous difference between their testimonies. The only thing more hilarious than that disparity is the amount of time spent grilling Hillary Clinton versus the mere 20 minutes of coddling a crying and dehydrated Brett Kavanaugh. The same observation has been made countless times contrasting Kavanaugh’s belligerent unhinged testimony about beer and his dad’s calendars with Dr. Blasey Ford’s calm and professional composure about the actual fucking topic at hand.

8.) Speaking of family, have any of you climate-change deniers, (I assume you are that as well as parents who are saving up for college), asked yourselves if your daughter owes her safety or her sexuality to some drunk boys — just because they’re drunk and boys and need to have some fun? If not, then whose daughters, possibly also drunk and incapacitated, do owe their bodies to the sons of the übermenschen aristocracy to accommodate their sexual coming of age? Never mind. Please don’t answer that.

7.)

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These two gems are tied for 7th place and highlight the scientific laxity that applies only when interpreting Bible passages, (which are of course literal anyway), versus the rigorous forensic metrics expected of the human hippocampus. Other parts of the brain’s limbic system are responsible for forming memories but none of them are necessary when reading the Bible. All of them, however, are of dubious capacity when a woman is recalling sexual trauma under oath.

“The fact that some of the same Senators that dismissed Anita Hill are still around to dismiss Kavanaugh’s accusers is an argument for term limits.” — Dan Pfeiffer

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6.) Yes. Of course voting is a form of term limits. But after 1976’s Buckley v. Valeo equating money with speech, those who can afford to run for office are an upper echelon of millionaire white men older than 65 with millionaire friends. This increasingly does not represent the American demographic of any jurisdiction.

These four millionaire career politicians, white men older than 65, are still on the Senate Judiciary Committee harumph-ing over some strumpet ruining a good man’s career.

5.) Ah, the halcyon days of chivalry, once owed to any respectable lady, now reserved for a grown man sniveling like a grounded teenager who thinks his mom is being a real bitch. This testicular allegiance vastly predates the hearing by all of human history. But bros-before-hoes reigns supreme when the reputation of an alcoholic college virgin threatens the possibility of a conservative majority on the highest court in the land.

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4.) The absurdity of Kavanaugh’s behavior is eclipsed only by the obviousness of what not to do during any professional endeavor ever— meetings, presentations, coffee-fetching or annual performance eval. God invented bathroom stalls for a reason. If you must cry at work, (we’ve all been there), cry as privately as possible. Or. If you’re an entitled white prick who can’t wait for that second marshmallow, cry as publicly and performatively as possible.

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3.) Similar to 5 above, getting knee-jerk defensive when women even speak of harassment or assault, let alone rape and other forms of violence, is dangerously misplacing rage. We are not overreacting to boys behaving badly. Even our hypervigilance does not always protect us from the small percentage of men who are predators. And apparently, there is now a term for this fraternized circling of the wagons. Philosopher Kate Manne calls it “himpathy”.

Listen. We know *you’re* a good guy. We know *you* would never do anything to hurt a woman. But we’re not talking about you right now. Focus.

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2.) You might note the tone of these memes is getting grimmer. This is the reality of systemic racial injustice in our country. We literally legislate and adjudicate racism and classism. Whether or not Kavanaugh did what he is accused of does not change the fact that you are most likely to get away with rape if you are a wealthy white man.

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1.) And the gold goes to this full-circle meme for its gut-punch accuracy. Privilege protects privilege. That’s how it is sustained, enshrined for those lily-of-the-valley boys-will-be-boys.

Gender, race and class are all swirling in the cauldron of the Kavanaugh hearings. It can serve as a crash course for anyone privileged enough to be unaware of their privilege but perhaps willing to examine the intersectionality of factors at play here. But it is also one more cut in the death by a thousand cuts for those who never received justice for the sexual assault(s) we’ve endured.

Humor helps.

Honorable mentions I came across after I wrote this post:

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Dan Babkoff tweeted of Jeff Flake: “I’d like to commission a Baroque painting.” And the internet giveth.
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An Emily Shack responded: Is that hysterical testimony or testosterone filled hysteria?
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“Women for Kavanaugh”

Post Script: a bonus meme from a female acquaintance apparently on the other side of the dumpster fire. I will not share demographic or socioeconomic details about her but I will say that I’m not shocked that she is taking this political stance.

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twitter @h_m_edwards unsplash @heathermedwards

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