My fellow Oregonian! Your response here seems to conflict with the dating advice you give on your website about having fun and enjoying spending time together, sexual chemistry, and caring about someone as a person. Or are these just questions men should ask themselves about women?

This got me thinking and I’m writing a separate post about that and your “carousel of bullshit” video. I will tag you in it but here are my initial responses to your points listed above.

  1. I’m not interested in or writing about how to help men who aren’t “really, really good looking” strategize around getting women who are attractive. But I am writing about that exact double standard.
  2. My essay is explaining that men shouldn’t pursue women unless they themselves meet the criteria posted by the woman they’re interested in. Full stop. That is not “cheapening” anyone. It is respecting what women want for themselves in a partner. If a man I found attractive posted that he only wanted tall blondes younger than 30 I wouldn’t continuously contact him and accuse him of “not valuing my attention” even though I’m a short 40-year-old brunette. Everyone needs to respect everyone else’s right to pursue their particular interests. And no one is owed an explanation or defense of someone else’s interests.

Women get dehumanized in every aspect of their lives — online dating is no exception. And if you followed any of the links I included you will see it is actually a hotbed for entitled misogyny and threats of violence. Women regularly get viciously criticized and threatened with violent rape and murder. That is a terrifying fact and I am disappointed that more men aren’t acknowledging that reality. They instead lament that women have an “unfair” numbers advantage in the dating world. Dude. It is almost certainly easier for women to get laid. But we’re also trying not to get raped and/or murdered. How’s that for unfair? Do you at least reference that when you make videos and podcasts about dating that aim to be thorough and comprehensive? Seriously. When was the last time you planned around the possibility of being murdered while also choosing what to wear for a date and hoping it goes well?

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No one is being given license to treat anyone like a commodity. My frustration with online dating, (I never tried any swipe-type apps so I can’t speak to that forum), is that men a.) disregarded what I was looking for and pursued me anyway, b.) got frustrated when I didn’t respond to their messages, and c.) implied that I’m cold and heartless just because I didn’t put myself through any mental or emotional or sexual gymnastics to try to make myself be attracted to someone I’m just not.

If anything, singularly focusing on attractiveness is what commodifies another human being.

twitter @h_m_edwards unsplash @heathermedwards

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